Fellas, is it delusional to have hope?

Let's admit it. Life is complex. It is filled with grief, suffering, trauma and whole range of difficulties. Yes, there are plenty of good things in life too, but it is not all sunshine and rainbows. As long as we are alive, there is no escaping it. And the sooner we accept this, the better. I am aware of this fact and I will never deny it. So the question is, it really unrealistic to have hope? Is it really delusional to make meaning of life, find healing and happiness, despite the negative circumstances we all go through? Well, the internet believes so.

The internet is undoubtably one of the greatest inventions in history. So much knowledge, entertainment, connection, opportunities- all for free. But it might just be too good to be true. As someone that grew up being on the internet, I will not deny that it has shaped my views, interests, and almost every aspect of who I am today. And for that, I am truly grateful to it. I also believe that the internet plays a very important role in widening our view as it is the only way to gain exposure to global happenings. But on the negative side, the internet, particularly social media apps such as Instagram and reddit, can also influence us in the most negative of ways. I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago on Instagram, I saw this beautiful write up on healing and how we can all acquire skills to make changes in our lives, ultimately leading to better outcomes. It was well written and well intentioned. I should've just scrolled away after reading it, left it on a positive note. But I naturally made the grave mistake we all make- opening the comment section. To say I was horrified reading some of the responses left by people, would be an understatement. There was a flood of negative comments- calling the post insensitive, unrealistic and cruel to those who had been victims of uncontrollable life circumstances. One person even went as far as discussing free will and how we will all always be a victim of life till the day we die. It was simply morbid. And even as somebody who has very stable beliefs and knows exactly what they believe in, I found myself questioning if my sense of hope was truly delusional. "Well, so many disagree. Surely they cannot all be wrong." And that, is the danger of conformity.

When we see a large group of people holding an opinion that is contrary to our own, our first response is usually to change our opinion. It's only natural, we are social creatures after all. This served some evolutionary benefits and ensured the survival of our species centuries ago. But it also has the ability to perpetuates a negative cycle. One that we are all too familiar with on the internet. The cycle of pessimism. Where one person leaves a comment based on their own interpretations (either because they really believe in what they are saying or because they want to project their own negative feelings onto others) and then inevitably others join in, creating a truly disturbing and depressing chain.

So, why are people so pessimistic on the internet?

1) Learned helplessness

When we persistently undergo uncontrollable negative life circumstances, we stop putting in efforts to change our situation even when opportunities for control are present. A lot of the negative comments that I mentioned in my example can be explained by this. As annoying as it is to see such Debby Downer comments, we need to have sympathy for those leaving them. These are often people who have a lot of past traumas clouding their judgement. Only those who have been in their shoes can understand their predicament. They do not mean harm. They simply lack insight and truly believe they are doing an act of social service by making sure people do not get their hopes up, which might lead to an even bigger disappointment- according to them.

2) Over identification with diagnostic labels

Another common pattern that I often see with these comments is allowing clinical diagnostic labels to define every aspect of who they are. Labels can play a very important role in treating mental illness, but identifying with them and reducing ourselves to a label is truly detrimental. In fact, this is one of the first things we learn in psychology.

I recall coming across a post about discipline and consistency once. Majority of the comments were about how the post was insensitive towards those with mental disorders as they have "an incurable illness" and that most interventions cannot help them. I will partly agree here, because the existence of mental illness means that the same interventions that work for the average person may not always help them. But to claim that you can never get disciplined or improve your life due to your condition is plain wrong. All it means is that you will have to be a little more committed than the average person and try to find something that works specifically for you or those with your shared condition. Change is not impossible, the path to change will just be less straightforward and a bit more complex.

3) Cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are defined as inaccurate or irrational thought patterns that can lead to negative emotions and behaviors. Various cognitive distortions can be at play here:

• Emotional reasoning- assuming that your feelings are a reflection of reality even if this isn't the case.

• Magnification and minimization- exaggerating negatives and minimizing the positives

• All or nothing thinking- here it manifests as assuming that if you cannot relate to someone's story, then their advice is irrelevant.

• Overgeneralization- making a broad conclusion based on a single event or negative experience.

4) Conformity

The need to confirm as I explained earlier, can cause a chain reaction.

5) Other non-psychological factors- such as the luxury of anonymity and privateness on social media can make it easy for people to say things without thinking them through, as they cannot be asked questions or held accountable for it.

Breaking the pessimism cycle

1) Develop self awareness to gain insight

Developing self awareness will help us understand our beliefs, why we believe in them and which aspects of it are irrational or unhelpful. My personal favorite way to do this is through daily journaling.

2) Acceptance

Once we recognize that our ideas might be irrational, the next very important step is to admit it to oneself. This is often the most difficult part, and where our egos come into play. But unfortunately, there is no healing in denial.

3) Read

Educate yourself on specific areas you struggle in. Understanding how the problem works is important to figuring out how to solve it.

4) Challenge negative thoughts

This must be done consistently and with patience. This is a core concept of rational emotive therapy where irrational thoughts are consistently challenged which leads to a reduction of negative emotions. A simple way to challenge irrational thoughts that has worked for me is asking myself questions and journaling on it- is this thought helpful? is it improving my life in anyway? how true is this belief?

5) Surround yourself with positivity

You become like the people you spend most of your time with. When trying to defeat pessimism, it will be wise to surround yourself with more positive people. Recognize the people in your life who constantly bring negative energy to your life and reduce the amount of time you spend with them.

Protecting oneself from pessimism on the internet

• Use the algorithm to your advantage- curate a feed that shows you posts catered to your interests. Filter out negative content by unfollowing, clicking the "not interested" option and minimizing engagement.

• Develop and maintain awareness- when we are exposed to negative content, (especially when we are vulnerable) we might unconsciously start identifying with unhelpful ideas. If we are more aware, we can catch ourself and stop it then and there.

• Consider limiting social media use- Avoiding social media altogether or limiting ourselves the best we can seems to be the most fool proof option.

Final thoughts

Negativity, whether it be online or in real life, is inevitable. Trying to avoid it completely isn’t realistic, and getting emotionally triggered by it isn’t healthy either. Building emotional resilience and self-awareness might be the only way to truly protect ourselves.

While we cannot control the nature of what we are exposed to in real life, we can control the nature of what we consume online. Repeated exposure to negative content influences our internal world more than we realize. Over time, it starts to influence how we think, feel, and perceive the world around us. So why intentionally consume something that does more harm than good? Why actively harm our psyche? Being cautious about what we expose ourselves to isn’t avoidance, it’s self-preservation.